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October 6th, 2022

I've never deleted photographs of ex girlfriends. I don’t think it’s because I still have lingering feelings or my failure to let go. I think it’s because I usually don’t care enough to. I don’t believe in forgetting in order to move on because forgetting usually doesn’t work for me. It’s just learning to live with the pain and the scars. I listen to “Nothing” by Bruno Major. It’s not a song I would typically care for; not complex enough to be interesting or simple enough to be pleasant. But I remember curled up in my bed after a FaceTime call with a love. She showed it to me and said it made her think of me. A woman I was sleeping with put it on and I felt distant. “I hate that song.”

I don’t hate the song and I shouldn't care about it but i’m listening to it now and my chest feels nostalgia. Just underneath my heart it feels like a deflated balloon. With nothing to lift it I feel like my heart is hanging on tight to the aorta and arteries that surround it just to keep it in place. It’s not broken, it’s just there’s nothing to keep it up.

I find myself numbing myself to knowing that I’m numb. I just sat in bed for over an hour trying to cry. Didn’t go to the last Nats game because I was by myself and tired like always. I remember a period when I thought sex as a coping mechanism was cool.

I don’t miss the girlfriends, I miss how I wanted to feel around them. I remember how hard I tried to feel something around them. It’s like trying to get hard when your shitfaced. Makes me want a viagra for love.

Because that’s what I want right? I just want to fall in love with who I want to fall in love with but I can’t. It’s a lot easier when I make them up. The ideas of girls, I mean. And it’s not even a specific attribute that I’m fantasizing about like an ass or whatever; I'm just fantasizing about how I want to feel around someone. Someone I can wake up next to and feel truly happy.

But I’m young and that’s not how it’s gonna work for a while. I’m in that awful point where I’m not naive enough for that underclassmen love I used to be able to conjure up. Like me, it gets more jaded over time by insecurity and nonsense. I’m also not mature enough to get real love. I need to find the difference between “I need to put more effort” and “I need to give up” because I choose wrong every time.

I write about love a lot because it’s a comfortable emotion for me to figure out. It’s a basic spectrum that’s almost always unfulfilled so it’s easy to pin my sorrows on that. But the thing is I'm not feeling any longing for anyone anymore. There’s no desire. I get out of bed and nothing wants to move.

Working out helps. A little. I always used to get bored at the gym or get too focused on how much pain I was experiencing. Now I’m going most days (proper rest included) and I’m almost enjoying the pain. The soreness of the morning gives me something to blame for taking over an hour just to get out of bed.

I guess I’m looking for the reason why I feel like shit. Why I’m rapidly deteriorating and no matter what I do I can’t get back up. I sat in front of my computer for 3 hours today trying to write one essay that my future depends on. I finished the first paragraph before convincing myself to watch porn. I'm not even sure why I'm still watching porn. I almost never do anymore and I don’t beat off because I always convince myself it wouldn’t be worth it. I guess I'm looking for something else to blame for my shitty mood.

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